An Egypt Dream?

It was a good start to 2010.

:)

On NYE, I was in Cairo, counting down near the pyramids at the desert, with a guy I enjoyed spending time with. What more do I want?

Is this a recipe to another disaster? I don't know. I only met him for a week for god sake... He could be the same to every "hot" girl he met during his travels. What I know for sure is, I would be an idiot if I rely on the hope that he will take me seriously despite I do think he's a nice guy.

So where should I begin? I met him at the end of my felucca trip near Kom Ombo. Our very first encounter was the moment before we got on the mini bus. He was interacting with the locals and wasn't particularly friendly to me. I thought he was just another loud oriental trying to be different. Until later, we sat next to each other on the mini bus, naturally we introduced ourselves. The conversation turned out to be an enjoyable one, so we agreed to meet again in Luxor.

We agreed to meet by the Nile, the old/new Wintergarden hotel confusion delayed our reunion slightly. We sat by the Nile enjoying the night scene, then dinner and after that a coffee house for a game of chess and sheesha. It was an enjoyable night. He walked me back to the hostel, and I invited him to take a glimpse of the rooftop view. I did feel a bit sad the moment he was leaving, as I wasn't sure whether we'd meet again or not? We've not agreed to anything that we'll see each other again. This may sound abit crazy, as we've literally met for a day. But somehow I did built up some positive feelings about him and do want to hang out with him, don't know why..

The next evening I need to catch a night train back to Cairo. I was ecstatic when I saw him on the platform! I thought he was on the earlier train. I was partly very happy that he's on the same train, and partly disappointed that we're not sitting together. I was allocated with a cabin of Americans, we didn't find each other that interesting...so I went to stand in the hall way and he came by. We end up... deciding to move and go to the 2nd class cabin. But we failed as there were no seats available for the whole journey to Cairo. So we had to keep on moving from seat to seat. It wasn't pleasant then but looking back it was definitely an "experience". In the end we decided to move back to the 1st class cabin. Luckily cabin after cabin, we found one with 2 seats available. It wasn't a comfy journey, so the whole night I was in the "half sleeping" mode. The turning point was around 3-4am, he asked if I could put the arm rest away, and "can get we close". It was a very cute question to ask. Perhaps if he ask the same question in Japanese it would be different. But the way he asked reminds me of the way a little boy would ask a little girl. Its very "pure". Maybe this is what I've been longing for all these years? We hold hands too. He also said if I wasn't comfortable we don't have to do it. I don't know whether that came out from politeness or that he's so used to situations like this that he knows what to say if the girl didn't conform to his will? Finally the journey ended, but we didn't get closer since the ride.

I found him difficult to understand. I thought we'd get closer but we didn't really. Although it was very nice of him to say that he want to spend the NYE with me. We took awhile to decide whether we want to go to both the local girl's invitation or to the Pyramid party. End up we decided to go to the latter. Later in the evening I disappointingly found out that I wasn't able to join his tour group to the black and white desert. :( I put my hand on his hand in the mini bus on our way to the pyramids. It was a natural reaction for me as I was quite disappointed so needed some kind of comforting.

My life is so fucked up.

There's always a saying that your life is in your hand, and I totally agree.

If as the title say, my life is so fucked up, why don't I do something about it?

I figured I need to..

sort out my comfort eating addiction and health;

dump the man and be single than miserable;

pass the fucking exams or quit;

basically sort myself out.

Loneliness can kill

Another lonely evening...

...to the point I will think about 2 guys who I think one fancies me and the other developed a good rapport, and enjoy having their attention.

Despite there are things I like about both, I don't think I will get anywhere with either of them due to some fundamental differences. They seem to know it too.

One is a colleague, whom carries a rather drastic character, and probably won't give me all the attention I need. Having said that he's a passionate musician and an intellectual, and I respect that.

The other is a friend recently moved to London from a different continent. He's probably the one nearer to the man I want cos of his character... a very nice and sincere person, plus he's also a passionate pianist/musician. However I don't find the sexual attraction in him, he's too "pure" in a sense I felt like he's my primary school mate.

There's about 5 guys now who fancies me, 2 live abroad. It does say something about my attractiveness, and that should raise my self-confidence. However that doesn't seem to help, I still don't understand why...

It's been a long time...

...since I last log on. A lot has happened since June 2008, my trip to NY state.

Since my trip:

• I've decided to go ahead with my (very first) flat purchase, the flat I almost thought I'd lost.
  
• I've split up with a guy I dated for 2 years.
• I dated a guy from work, in the same team (very first time!) - I thought he's "the one" I can potentially spend the rest of my life with.. until he broke up with me after 3 weeks having chased me for months.
  
• I will be an auntie next year March!
  
• My brother got married in October following his 'accident'.

I almost had a nervous breakdown from handling being dump/flat purchase/study/work/stock market crash/family issues concurrently....

About my NY trip.....

It definitely was a lot of drama and full of experience. I decided to go my own way for a road trip instead of visiting him in Bath. To highlight my trip (in chronological order):

• My connection flight to ROC from NYC was cancelled, and the next flight was delayed and end up arriving at ROC at around 2am... 8 hours later than scheduled time I had to bang the door and wake people up to let me in their house (the co-op I decide to stay at)
  
• NYC was pouring raining like hell in my few hours there.
• Received one parking ticket in Buffalo.
• Slept with guy A whom I technically dislike in Buffalo.
  
• Spent my 30th birthday wandering around Toronto.
• Kissed guy B whom I didn't fancy in Toronto.
• Smoked clove cigarette the very first time.
  
• Slept with guy A the second time.
  
• Had an almost total loss car accident (got struck by a truck) at the Buffalo/Fort Erie boarder.
  
• Kissed guy C whom I also didn't fancy in Rochester, I even find him annoying....
  
• Received a speeding ticket on my way to Bath - but I've decided....
  
• Unexpectedly, spent my last 2 days with "him" (who I originally went to NY for) with his family at his cottage.
• We sat around the fire under the shining stars and made love on his yacht at the lake in a cold rainy night.
  
• Drowned myself and almost my 2 cameras (both very expensive!) at the lake.
• Early morning fishing for breakfast at the lake with him.

Obviously it was a lonely trip for me. I almost accepted every guy who approached me, even though looking back it made me feel sick with my behavior.... I've never had 1-night-stand, and still am not fond of the idea, but the guilt from the 2-night-stands is still killing me.

I think it was fate that brought us together again. I was determined to ignore his emails and not see him again, but I've decided to visit the Glass Museum. The GM is not far from his cottage, so I thought I give him a chance, so I texted him - if he want to see me, then meet me at the Museum. I wasn't expecting anything, but I was glad he came to see me - he wasn't that bad afterall.

Although just a few days, I really enjoyed my time with him. There were no fancy words, expensive presents, promises, but simply his kind heart and genuine smile to me, and of course, his culinary treats! I know we're unlikely to have a future, so that made me feel sad. But having experienced that made me understand myself more, about what I want from my partner.

After returning to London from NY....

...there was another dramatic change for me. A senior colleague fancied in me. I've never dated people from work, and hardly ever stay friends with work people. I simply don't think about it, until he ("X") approached me.

He made me feel important, wanted, attractive, and have given me all the attention I've deprived of in the past 2 years. He's also smart, well traveled and will travel with me, cultured, and take care of me in every way he can. I feel 'safe' with him.

I thought I was the luckiest person in the world, having to find my soulmate, X. Before realising what happened wasn't a dream, it was all over. He dumped me. Till today, he still hadn't tell me directly why, but I think I know why. He think I'm too much trouble, too high of a maintenance. I told him I'm tired of life at times, I told him all my family issues, I told him I'm depressed at times. I almost fully exposed myself to him.. being too honest. He said he was worried that I said I was tired of life. He's not willing to have all that with the relationship.

I hate him being too selfish, but I hate myself more for ruining the relationship. It's sad that we have to treat relationship like a game, there are certain "rule of thumb" you want to keep in mind, and certain "taboos" you should never attempt to try. Otherwise its more likely to fail.

Just like mine.

Living with regret is the biggest torture in life

It's been 2 weeks since I first met him.

I had one chance to spend the rest of my life together but I gave away the opportunity from my indecisiveness.... Yes I'm talking about the flat I viewed and loved at first sight.

Let me give a brief description of the flat: - it's on the top floor (4th) and you get the whole floor to yourself, a living room surrounded by windows and a panoramic view of skyscrapers and greenery (people's backyard!), loads of natural daylight shining into the flat from all the huge windows, and a good sized terrace... not to mention only minutes away from the very chic area - Greenwich.

I can imagine myself lying on a bean bag in the living room, starring at the moon and stars, listening to my favorite Plain White T's with a soda in my hand....

But now it's all over.

Many friends told me it's not in my best financial interest to get onto the property ladder because of the economic condition, which I agree. However, from this lesson I've learned that it's more sexy than a pure investment. It's like choosing a man to settle down. Why? Because every property is unique and you need to "click" with it before even thinking about the numbers... if you don't like it, you wouldn't buy it no matter how "value for money" it is. As for a man, you need to click with him before knowing anything else. If you don't like him, you wouldn't waste your time no matter how good the "financial prospects" are. Having said that, of course some will say there are exceptions, but that's beyond the scope of my mind... lol

I cannot believe until today, I was still thinking about "him". Perhaps the fact that I am approaching 30 is really showing - I want to "settle down", have a place of my own, a place where I have all the control, and not needing to pick up freaking early weekend phone calls from my landlady!

Today I couldn't resist and sent the housing group an email and told them I will be the first to buy if it becomes available again... sounds stupid but that's all I can do.

After this posting, I promised myself I will only look ahead and carry forward the lessons learnt.

Screw the Big Apple...........!

Really annoyed that I had to spend the last few weeks researching.

I thought the NY trip would be a no brainer but end up not knowing what I'll be doing 2 weeks before the trip! One's indecisiveness and cowardness just doesn't do any good to this world?!

I wish Rochester is closer to Chicago so at least I can visit Illinois, the hometown of my favourite band and spend my birthday there and hopefully get to meet some talented musicians out there...one at least as talented and charming as Tom Higgs. ;)

Somehow I feel bad that I told P I will be in the States for my birthday and not in London. I just wanted to say sorry. The truth is, I didn't enjoy my birthday last year, I had to get away from it. You didn't show your disappointment but I can sense it. But hey there is something you can do, its your call whether you want to go that far. I bet you wouldn't, cos you love yourself more.