Another lonely evening...
...to the point I will think about 2 guys who I think one fancies me and the other developed a good rapport, and enjoy having their attention.
Despite there are things I like about both, I don't think I will get anywhere with either of them due to some fundamental differences. They seem to know it too.
One is a colleague, whom carries a rather drastic character, and probably won't give me all the attention I need. Having said that he's a passionate musician and an intellectual, and I respect that.
The other is a friend recently moved to London from a different continent. He's probably the one nearer to the man I want cos of his character... a very nice and sincere person, plus he's also a passionate pianist/musician. However I don't find the sexual attraction in him, he's too "pure" in a sense I felt like he's my primary school mate.
There's about 5 guys now who fancies me, 2 live abroad. It does say something about my attractiveness, and that should raise my self-confidence. However that doesn't seem to help, I still don't understand why...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
It's been a long time...
...since I last log on. A lot has happened since June 2008, my trip to NY state.
Since my trip:
About my NY trip.....
It definitely was a lot of drama and full of experience. I decided to go my own way for a road trip instead of visiting him in Bath. To highlight my trip (in chronological order):
I think it was fate that brought us together again. I was determined to ignore his emails and not see him again, but I've decided to visit the Glass Museum. The GM is not far from his cottage, so I thought I give him a chance, so I texted him - if he want to see me, then meet me at the Museum. I wasn't expecting anything, but I was glad he came to see me - he wasn't that bad afterall.
Although just a few days, I really enjoyed my time with him. There were no fancy words, expensive presents, promises, but simply his kind heart and genuine smile to me, and of course, his culinary treats! I know we're unlikely to have a future, so that made me feel sad. But having experienced that made me understand myself more, about what I want from my partner.
After returning to London from NY....
...there was another dramatic change for me. A senior colleague fancied in me. I've never dated people from work, and hardly ever stay friends with work people. I simply don't think about it, until he ("X") approached me.
He made me feel important, wanted, attractive, and have given me all the attention I've deprived of in the past 2 years. He's also smart, well traveled and will travel with me, cultured, and take care of me in every way he can. I feel 'safe' with him.
I thought I was the luckiest person in the world, having to find my soulmate, X. Before realising what happened wasn't a dream, it was all over. He dumped me. Till today, he still hadn't tell me directly why, but I think I know why. He think I'm too much trouble, too high of a maintenance. I told him I'm tired of life at times, I told him all my family issues, I told him I'm depressed at times. I almost fully exposed myself to him.. being too honest. He said he was worried that I said I was tired of life. He's not willing to have all that with the relationship.
I hate him being too selfish, but I hate myself more for ruining the relationship. It's sad that we have to treat relationship like a game, there are certain "rule of thumb" you want to keep in mind, and certain "taboos" you should never attempt to try. Otherwise its more likely to fail.
Just like mine.
Since my trip:
- I've decided to go ahead with my (very first) flat purchase, the flat I almost thought I'd lost.
- I've split up with a guy I dated for 2 years.
- I dated a guy from work, in the same team (very first time!) - I thought he's "the one" I can potentially spend the rest of my life with.. until he broke up with me after 3 weeks having chased me for months.
- I will be an auntie next year March!
- My brother got married in October following his 'accident'.
About my NY trip.....
It definitely was a lot of drama and full of experience. I decided to go my own way for a road trip instead of visiting him in Bath. To highlight my trip (in chronological order):
- My connection flight to ROC from NYC was cancelled, and the next flight was delayed and end up arriving at ROC at around 2am... 8 hours later than scheduled time I had to bang the door and wake people up to let me in their house (the co-op I decide to stay at)
- NYC was pouring raining like hell in my few hours there.
- Received one parking ticket in Buffalo.
- Slept with guy A whom I technically dislike in Buffalo.
- Spent my 30th birthday wandering around Toronto.
- Kissed guy B whom I didn't fancy in Toronto.
- Smoked clove cigarette the very first time.
- Slept with guy A the second time.
- Had an almost total loss car accident (got struck by a truck) at the Buffalo/Fort Erie boarder.
- Kissed guy C whom I also didn't fancy in Rochester, I even find him annoying....
- Received a speeding ticket on my way to Bath - but I've decided....
- Unexpectedly, spent my last 2 days with "him" (who I originally went to NY for) with his family at his cottage.
- We sat around the fire under the shining stars and made love on his yacht at the lake in a cold rainy night.
- Drowned myself and almost my 2 cameras (both very expensive!) at the lake.
- Early morning fishing for breakfast at the lake with him.
I think it was fate that brought us together again. I was determined to ignore his emails and not see him again, but I've decided to visit the Glass Museum. The GM is not far from his cottage, so I thought I give him a chance, so I texted him - if he want to see me, then meet me at the Museum. I wasn't expecting anything, but I was glad he came to see me - he wasn't that bad afterall.
Although just a few days, I really enjoyed my time with him. There were no fancy words, expensive presents, promises, but simply his kind heart and genuine smile to me, and of course, his culinary treats! I know we're unlikely to have a future, so that made me feel sad. But having experienced that made me understand myself more, about what I want from my partner.
After returning to London from NY....
...there was another dramatic change for me. A senior colleague fancied in me. I've never dated people from work, and hardly ever stay friends with work people. I simply don't think about it, until he ("X") approached me.
He made me feel important, wanted, attractive, and have given me all the attention I've deprived of in the past 2 years. He's also smart, well traveled and will travel with me, cultured, and take care of me in every way he can. I feel 'safe' with him.
I thought I was the luckiest person in the world, having to find my soulmate, X. Before realising what happened wasn't a dream, it was all over. He dumped me. Till today, he still hadn't tell me directly why, but I think I know why. He think I'm too much trouble, too high of a maintenance. I told him I'm tired of life at times, I told him all my family issues, I told him I'm depressed at times. I almost fully exposed myself to him.. being too honest. He said he was worried that I said I was tired of life. He's not willing to have all that with the relationship.
I hate him being too selfish, but I hate myself more for ruining the relationship. It's sad that we have to treat relationship like a game, there are certain "rule of thumb" you want to keep in mind, and certain "taboos" you should never attempt to try. Otherwise its more likely to fail.
Just like mine.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Living with regret is the biggest torture in life
It's been 2 weeks since I first met him.
I had one chance to spend the rest of my life together but I gave away the opportunity from my indecisiveness.... Yes I'm talking about the flat I viewed and loved at first sight.
Let me give a brief description of the flat: - it's on the top floor (4th) and you get the whole floor to yourself, a living room surrounded by windows and a panoramic view of skyscrapers and greenery (people's backyard!), loads of natural daylight shining into the flat from all the huge windows, and a good sized terrace... not to mention only minutes away from the very chic area - Greenwich.
I can imagine myself lying on a bean bag in the living room, starring at the moon and stars, listening to my favorite Plain White T's with a soda in my hand....
But now it's all over.
Many friends told me it's not in my best financial interest to get onto the property ladder because of the economic condition, which I agree. However, from this lesson I've learned that it's more sexy than a pure investment. It's like choosing a man to settle down. Why? Because every property is unique and you need to "click" with it before even thinking about the numbers... if you don't like it, you wouldn't buy it no matter how "value for money" it is. As for a man, you need to click with him before knowing anything else. If you don't like him, you wouldn't waste your time no matter how good the "financial prospects" are. Having said that, of course some will say there are exceptions, but that's beyond the scope of my mind... lol
I cannot believe until today, I was still thinking about "him". Perhaps the fact that I am approaching 30 is really showing - I want to "settle down", have a place of my own, a place where I have all the control, and not needing to pick up freaking early weekend phone calls from my landlady!
Today I couldn't resist and sent the housing group an email and told them I will be the first to buy if it becomes available again... sounds stupid but that's all I can do.
After this posting, I promised myself I will only look ahead and carry forward the lessons learnt.
I had one chance to spend the rest of my life together but I gave away the opportunity from my indecisiveness.... Yes I'm talking about the flat I viewed and loved at first sight.
Let me give a brief description of the flat: - it's on the top floor (4th) and you get the whole floor to yourself, a living room surrounded by windows and a panoramic view of skyscrapers and greenery (people's backyard!), loads of natural daylight shining into the flat from all the huge windows, and a good sized terrace... not to mention only minutes away from the very chic area - Greenwich.
I can imagine myself lying on a bean bag in the living room, starring at the moon and stars, listening to my favorite Plain White T's with a soda in my hand....
But now it's all over.
Many friends told me it's not in my best financial interest to get onto the property ladder because of the economic condition, which I agree. However, from this lesson I've learned that it's more sexy than a pure investment. It's like choosing a man to settle down. Why? Because every property is unique and you need to "click" with it before even thinking about the numbers... if you don't like it, you wouldn't buy it no matter how "value for money" it is. As for a man, you need to click with him before knowing anything else. If you don't like him, you wouldn't waste your time no matter how good the "financial prospects" are. Having said that, of course some will say there are exceptions, but that's beyond the scope of my mind... lol
I cannot believe until today, I was still thinking about "him". Perhaps the fact that I am approaching 30 is really showing - I want to "settle down", have a place of my own, a place where I have all the control, and not needing to pick up freaking early weekend phone calls from my landlady!
Today I couldn't resist and sent the housing group an email and told them I will be the first to buy if it becomes available again... sounds stupid but that's all I can do.
After this posting, I promised myself I will only look ahead and carry forward the lessons learnt.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Screw the Big Apple...........!
Really annoyed that I had to spend the last few weeks researching.
I thought the NY trip would be a no brainer but end up not knowing what I'll be doing 2 weeks before the trip! One's indecisiveness and cowardness just doesn't do any good to this world?!
I wish Rochester is closer to Chicago so at least I can visit Illinois, the hometown of my favourite band and spend my birthday there and hopefully get to meet some talented musicians out there...one at least as talented and charming as Tom Higgs. ;)
Somehow I feel bad that I told P I will be in the States for my birthday and not in London. I just wanted to say sorry. The truth is, I didn't enjoy my birthday last year, I had to get away from it. You didn't show your disappointment but I can sense it. But hey there is something you can do, its your call whether you want to go that far. I bet you wouldn't, cos you love yourself more.
I thought the NY trip would be a no brainer but end up not knowing what I'll be doing 2 weeks before the trip! One's indecisiveness and cowardness just doesn't do any good to this world?!
I wish Rochester is closer to Chicago so at least I can visit Illinois, the hometown of my favourite band and spend my birthday there and hopefully get to meet some talented musicians out there...one at least as talented and charming as Tom Higgs. ;)
Somehow I feel bad that I told P I will be in the States for my birthday and not in London. I just wanted to say sorry. The truth is, I didn't enjoy my birthday last year, I had to get away from it. You didn't show your disappointment but I can sense it. But hey there is something you can do, its your call whether you want to go that far. I bet you wouldn't, cos you love yourself more.
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